


Between these walls and lies

by Kataclysmic



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Serenity (2005)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29272464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kataclysmic/pseuds/Kataclysmic
Summary: There's blood and there's tongues and there's kissing, but beyond that, Simon knows little else.
Relationships: Kaylee Frye/Simon Tam, Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	Between these walls and lies

Simon slumps further into blood-wet floor; his wounds are too extensive to do anything but. The last thing he sees is the Captain, marching forward to defend his sister from an army. His thoughts dim quickly, but he thinks vaguely that if he can't protect River from the Alliance then Mal will. 

\--

When he wakes, he is laying on cool, clean sheets. He enjoys their crispness against his skin and feels at home. Then, there is a twinge of pain in his chest where a dart hit and he remembers.

Miranda. Reavers. Wash. _River _.__

__He chokes up a cry of disgust, and his eyes dart wildly around the room. He lurches about the bed, but isn't strong enough to move properly._ _

__An instant later a hand is on his forehead, brushing back his hair and whispering nothing-words of comfort. The heady perfume surrounding him tells him it's Inara._ _

__“What's going on? Is River... Oh God, have they got River?” His throat is parched and his tongue huge. He chokes on his words but not his meaning._ _

__“Shssshh, honey,” Inara soothes, and strokes his hand. “She's fine. We're on Serenity. Kaylee, Zoe and Jayne are on an Alliance vessel being seen to, but Mal and I thought it best you and River remain here.” She pauses and smiles slightly. “There's no use bring the others back here when our Doctor is... temporarily out of commission.”_ _

__Simon breathes out slowly. He feels a little easier. Not particularly comfortable given that they're friends are in Alliance territory of some sort, but better._ _

__“She's safe..?” It's half a question, and half a self-assurance._ _

__Inara reassures him that she is, and he feels exhaustion tug at his mind, despite having just woken up. He slips into sleep quickly, and he is only half aware that he has not asked after the health of the rest of the crew._ _

__\--_ _

__When he wakes again, his body aches in places only doctors are really familiar with. It is painful, but he is grateful. At least he survived. And so did River, and isn't that the whole point of _everything_ nowadays? Just keeping alive._ _

__He spends a few hours, now properly conscious, with River. She is lucid and very almost normal, and this relaxes Simon tenfold._ _

__When Inara tells him she's returning to the Alliance Cruiser to check on the others, he joins her for the short walk. He's not fully recovered enough to do so, and the crutches make the walk difficult, but he needs the air. He doesn't look behind him as he exits the ship and dreads the walk back._ _

__\--_ _

__Later, he approaches Serenity from the front. The ship is much how he last saw her; still crashed in the crumbling building, with holes and tears where steel and titanium should be. He knows it's going to break Kaylee's heart when she sees her baby like this. He half-smiles for a moment, thinking of Kaylee's unfaltering adoration for anything her heart takes a fancy too. But when he looks closely at Serenity's cockpit, the smile dies on his lips like a leaf falling from a tree. It’s blood spattered, and a huge stake thrust through the window has shattered the glass. He belatedly realises Wash's fate, and then his own: what must be done._ _

__River, for all her improvements, would have ultimately not been able to face this, and the Captain – from what Inara had told him – isn't physically able yet. So that leaves Simon to deal with Wash – with the body - before Zoe or Kaylee return to the ship._ _

__Simon enters the mess and finds it empty. He is not surprised and imagines that both River and the Captain are resting in their bunks. It makes his job easier, at least. He makes his way to the bridge._ _

__\--_ _

__An hour later and Simon is _drained_ , emotionally and physically. He's not properly recovered, and the hour's exertion has exhausted him. He hates having had to scrub away blood, having to put his friend in a body bag, but the responsibility had fallen to him, and he rather it himself than anybody else._ _

__Despite the exhaustion, though, despite the mind-numbing ache of tiredness, Simon feels it his duty to check on the Captain with Inara having departed to the Alliance vessel. He descends to the Captain's cabin without bothering to knock, manners forsaken because he is just too exhausted to care about proprietary any more than necessary._ _

__“Mal?” he asks of the man in the bed. He doesn't care for 'Captain' any longer because he isn't sure if he is still a member of the crew. Mal doesn't stir from his doze, and Simon says again, louder, “Mal.”_ _

__Mal still doesn't awaken, and Simon gives up trying to wake him, proceeding to check his vitals and his wounds with the supplies he'd gathered from the infirmary. He's pleased to find that the wounds inflicted by the Operative are healing – or at least getting there. Once he's sure that Mal is stable, something in Simon _snaps_._ _

__The well of exhaustion pooling behind his eyes and throat floods, and it is all Simon can do not to collapse on the floor. Given that this is the Mal's room, and Mal had a nasty tendency to hit him, Simon would ordinarily have staggered to his own room and collapsed in his own bed, but even the sight of the ladder out of Mal's room looks like too much effort. He would have never normally considered this, but the exhaustion has worn thin proprietary, and Simon collapses into the bed, curling around the body already resting there. The bed is warm and firm, and Mal snores softly beside him, his breath brushing Simon's face. Simon is more comfortable than he remembers being in an age, and he falls asleep within moments._ _

__\--_ _

__Simon doesn't know how long he has slept, but when he wakes, Serenity's simulated night-time has set in, and he feels a lot cooler than when he dozed off._ _

__He opens his eyes cautiously when the memory of where he fell asleep hits him, and he is uncomfortable to find Mal watching him through sleepy-blue eyes._ _

__“Mal,” he begins, sputtering. There is an ankle hooked around his calf that he doesn't want to think about just now, and it prevents him from leaping out of the bed. “I didn't mean to – After I dealt with the body... with Wash...” he halts. Swallows. “I came to check on you and I was just so exhausted I must have fallen asleep.”_ _

__Mal looks vaguely amused, or at least lighter than Simon has seen him in a good while, and he sets Simon a little more at ease._ _

__“How's your sister?”_ _

__“River?” He hesitates, feeling almost guilty for not thinking of his sister for a few moments. “She's fine. I'd like to hazard a guess and even say better, but time will tell. She was sleeping, the last time I checked on her--” he pauses, and lifts a wearied arm to check his watch, “twelve hours ago. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stay this long.”_ _

__“Don't worry your head about it. Times like this, comfort should be taken where comfort's found.”_ _

__Mal's statement takes Simon by surprise, especially given his recent intolerance of him, but Simon thinks it best not to question him. He takes a moment to properly apprise himself of the situation and is a little unnerved by how compromising it may look to an outsider: they lay close on the bunk, and Mal, dressed in very little beneath the covers, has his leg locked around Simon's. Simon's arm has fallen close to Mal's hip, and as they speak in hushed tones, they face each other like lovers._ _

__Simon finds himself suddenly short of breath in the face of the intimacy of the situation. Simon has never had time to indulge in relationships, but vaguely imagines this to be one of those moments that might define one._ _

__He watches as Mal's gaze flicks from his own, down to his mouth, and Simon licks his suddenly dry lips, then gulps in anticipation. There's always these moments, these thoughts, lingering on the edge of consciousness – he was never quite sure what the looks Mal had sometimes given him stood for, what the flicker of _something_ in his stomach meant, but now, with unfaltering certainty, he knows._ _

__Thoughts of River and Wash and guilt flee his mind, and time on Serenity seems to still as Mal moves hesitantly forward; his head tilts slightly to the left and his hand creeps forward. Simon takes the final initiative, pushing forward and pressing his mouth against Mal's. His hand moves forward to grasp at Mal's hip._ _

__Mal is quick to follow Simon's lead, and in almost an instant is pressing back against him. He tangles a hand in Simon's hair, and holds his skull tightly, kissing him fiercely. It feels like an assault and a dance; caged ferocity and unguarded lust, mixed emotions, blinded by heat and tasting like blood._ _

__Mal's tongue surges against Simon's lips and into his mouth, and Simon feels himself undoing around him. Heat curls and unfurls under his skin, and passion drips through him, hot and thick, like warm honey. Their touches are swift and hot, but cautious; they light a fire in his belly and in his cock, and Simon is dizzy from the rush and the sleepy buzz. He forgets himself like he's never known and begins to learn things more primal than he'd ever care to consider during daylight hours._ _

__\--_ _

__Simon spends three days exercising his skill in avoidance techniques before Mal finally corners him in the kitchen. River isn't around to provide a distraction, leaving Simon desperately alone with him. His gut twists and he feels a sweat creeping across his brow. He hopes futilely for a distraction – that Kaylee and Zoe and hell, even Jayne, will return a day early – but nothing surfaces, and he is left to face a man who four nights previously kissed and touched him like there was never going to be a tomorrow._ _

__Mal's hands slink in and out of his pockets twice awkwardly before he finally speaks. “Monday night, what happened...” he pauses, and Simon imagines the man before him is expecting a prompt. He does not deliver. Mal continues, regardless, “Well, I don't want you dwellin' on it. Don't mean a thing, just two people who needed something.”_ _

__Simon is unimpressed by his remark, and certainly how Mal thinks of him. “Don't worry,” Simon replies acerbically, “Next time I need _comfort_ I'll not look to you.”_ _

__Simon turns on his heel to leave, but Mal catches his arm and pushes him back into the counter. He releases him slowly and braces his arms on the counter either side of Simon. He's close – horribly, perfectly close, and Simon can feel the memory of their kisses on his lips as Mal's breath brushes his. He half fears, and half hopes, that Mal will kiss him again, but he pushes off the counter and takes a step back._ _

__“Your sister told me about your talk with little Kaylee; you've got her to look after now.” Mal takes a deep breath, and bites on his lip before continuing. “I won't have you deal her a blow because you have a silly notion in your head about things between me an' you.”_ _

__“Mal-” Simon begins, even if he has no idea of what the rest of his sentence will be._ _

__Mal cuts him off, “No. You give Kaylee the happily ever after she deserves.” He looks at Simon – really _looks_ at him – as he says this, and his eyes are a dark, steely blue; stormy orbs saying something completely different to his words. “You give what you promised her and yourself, 'fore we got sleepy and stupid.”_ _

__“Yes, Captain,” Simon replies._ _

__\--_ _

__Two months pass, and things on Serenity begin to vaguely resemble what used to pass for normal. The ship is flying, and Simon is concentrating on falling in love with Kaylee. It isn't difficult – she is sweet and funny and loving, and he honestly cares for her. But the way Mal looks at him when he catches Simon slinking out of Kaylee's bunk early one morning makes his heart twitch and plunge in a way Kaylee's touch hasn't begun to._ _

__Simon has made avoiding the Captain whenever possible into an art-form, practically dancing around Serenity in his efforts. Mealtimes are a necessary evil, but the rowdy bluster of dinner usually compensates for the odd silences between himself and the Captain. Stitching him up in the infirmary are the worst times, though._ _

__Mal, sleepy and doped, is less guarded; he watches Simon work with open affection in his hooded, drugged eyes, and mumbles Simon's name in his sleep. It makes Simon's cock twitch and bile rise in his throat all at once, and the longing it leaves him with is almost as unbearable as the Captain's surliness in the days that follow._ _

__\--_ _

__It is during the nothingness time between Christmas and New Year that Simon happens upon Mal in the kitchen and things shift again. No one wants crime doing during the festivities, it seems, and even the crew of Serenity won't stoop to stealing Christmas trees._ _

__Simon supposes that this evening is as good a time as any for Mal to service his weaponry. Still, Simon is intrigued as to why Mal is filing away at his bullets and decides that perhaps idle chat might begin to ease the tension between the two of them. He's feeling lighter lately. Perhaps it's the holiday spirit, or perhaps Kaylee's having a more profound effect on him than he thought, but he feels like there's a chance the Captain won't maim him if he starts a conversation. He coughs politely and draws a chair. The Captain studiously ignores him._ _

__“What, ah, er.” Simon's never been particularly good with words, but he's usually at least capable of forming a proper sentence._ _

__“Spit it out,” the Captain says, and if Simon didn't know better, he'd say the Captain sounded almost amused._ _

__“What are you doing?”_ _

__He looks at Simon, eyebrow raised, as if Simon were stupid. “This your piss-poor attempt at conversation? 'Cause there's no wonder you ended up out on the rim if you can't talk like them folk back home.”_ _

__Simon chuckles, and at least it's a start. He's berating him, but he's not shouting nor stony-silent, and that's a definite improvement. He's beginning to accept the rules they've chosen to live by._ _

__They're relaxing into an almost comfortable silence, when their legs brush under the table – quite accidentally – and the ambient mood is shattered. Something like electricity passes between their clothing, and Mal jumps sharply, kicking the table in his haste. He studiously fingers the bullets in his hand and refuses to look Simon in the eye._ _

__Simon winces._ _

__“You gotta score 'em,” Mal tells him abruptly, indicating the bullets. “Score the tips with a cross 'til near breaking point, then they'll be messier on impact. Cut everything up, more painful, an' more difficult to tidy up.”_ _

__The Doctor in him - the ethical, humane Doctor, surges forward, disregarding when Simon knows best to keep quiet - and argues with Mal. “Oh, what a splendid idea _that_ is. Not only are you going to incapacitate – near _kill_ \- people, but you're going to do it so there's no hope they can be saved.”_ _

__Mal practically growls in response and drops the bullets and file with pattering crack onto the table. “Don't you preach to me, boy. People we encounter, well, I ain't lookin' for them to get patched up after I'm through with 'em. Nor did I hear you complainin' when I was using the same bullets saving your ass from the Alliance.”_ _

__Simon fumes, silently. They're on opposite sides of a war: fighter and healer, and Simon is starting to lose sight of who's right. He stands up and backs his chair out behind him. He wants to leave before voices raise and the punches start being thrown._ _

__Mal mirrors his action, standing up, and Simon wonders if punches will be thrown regardless._ _

__“What if...” Simon begins, thoughtlessly, faltering._ _

__“What if what?” Mal asks, his voice all lead and gravel. He takes a step toward Simon, and something in Simon won't let him move, keeps him grounded right in front of Mal._ _

__Mal prompts, “Well?”_ _

__Simon swallows, but doesn't back down. “What if they get your gun, they shoot those bullets, and you're on my table and I won't be able to help you...”_ _

__“Me?” Mal's eyes are the same steel-blue of the night he told Simon to stay with Kaylee; the blue of uncharted oceans too dangerous for Simon to sail, but so alluring all the same._ _

__“You...” Simon repeats dumbly, then amends, “or River or Zoe or Jayne or... or you.”_ _

__It's a stupid answer, and it doesn't make much sense, but it doesn't matter because Mal closes the distance between them and kisses him, and Simon is lost at sea._ _

__It's different from the last time they kissed, more vivid, and yet still a rocky space-wreck of passion. It's more desperate and less forgiving, and Simon can taste blood from broken lips on his tongue. Or Mal's tongue. There's blood and there's tongues and there's kissing, but beyond that, Simon knows little else._ _

__\--_ _

__They go back to ignoring each other with little preamble. Simon dedicates himself to Kaylee, and feels terrible and guilty, but won't admit to what happened with Mal. If Kaylee suspects, or notices anything is amiss, she says nothing and does a remarkable job at feigning ignorance, if she is aware._ _

__Simon can no longer look at the kitchen table without suppressing a shiver of a memory. By the time January has blurred into February, everywhere he is alone on the ship, he imagines he hears Mal's footsteps. But the footsteps are never real, and Simon is always left half-wanting, half-dreading._ _

__Sitting in the infirmary, Simon ignores the footsteps he doesn't think are real, and doesn't stir until he actually hears the doors hiss open._ _

__He's disappointed when the hesitant call of his name alerts him to Inara's presence, but then, why should he be expecting the Captain?_ _

__“Inara,” he begins pleasantly. “What can I do for you?”_ _

__“You're treading on dangerous ground, Simon.”_ _

__“I... pardon?”_ _

__Inara looks down demurely, and then looks up and catches him straight in the eye. “With Mal. Whatever it is that you two are doing.”_ _

__“I don't know what you're talking about,” Simon says, but knowing instinctively that Inara will read his sharp tone and rising colour differently._ _

__“I'm not stupid, Simon. And nor is anyone else on board. You keep this up, and sooner or later, someone else will figure it out.”_ _

__“Inara, I'm sorry...” Simon begins to apologise, but she cuts him off._ _

__“Mal doesn't owe me anything, nor do you. But neither of you are being fair to Kaylee, nor yourselves.”_ _

__\--_ _

__Inara's talk makes Simon nervous and edgy. He worries that Inara will have hinted to Kaylee, or that she will have come to her own realisation about him and the Captain. The nagging fear and guilt has shifted and morphed, and it's no longer just about deceiving Kaylee that makes Simon feel so terrible, but the possibility of losing her._ _

__He curls up beside her in bed, and his mind wanders as she sleeps. He thinks about how Mal is only a wall away, but it may as well be the entire 'verse, because lately when Kaylee's in his arms, Simon has developed a tendency to think about nothing else but her. And perhaps he's been trying a little too hard, because he's beginning to fall in love with her, and Mal is the uncomfortable blot._ _

__\--_ _

__Simon doesn't know if Mal receives an even sterner talk from Inara, or if he's still reeling from their last encounter, but the next day, the Captain is surlier than ever before he leaves the ship to take on a job. When they return, Jayne warns Simon that the Captain is in a foul mood, and is beat up worse than usual, and will need seeing to._ _

__Simon readies the infirmary, but his patient never arrives. He doesn't want to have to venture down to the Captain's bunk, but if his injuries are as extensive as Jayne implied, it will be necessary._ _

__He doesn't knock when he descends because there's nothing he hasn't seen before, and it will only give Mal a chance to think of an excuse to not have him see to him. He finds Mal perched on the bed, working with a tiny weave on a huge wound in his side._ _

__“Why didn't you come to the infirmary?” Simon asks as he throws his kit onto the bed and kneels in front of Mal. “I know you're stubborn but - _yúchûn húndàn_ , this would have gotten infected without the proper attention,” he admonishes. He shakes his head, and gently begins bathing the wound._ _

__“ _Wô hâo_ ,” Mal protests. “'S just a scratch.”_ _

__Simon raises an eyebrow, looking up at the seated form before him. His heart jumps a beat as Mal's eyes meet his, and he's reminded of the last time in this room, on this bed, with this man. His hands are surprisingly steady as he tends to Mal's wound, steadfastly ignoring the rising tension, and the slight twitch of Mal's body beneath his fingers._ _

__When he's finished, Simon leans back on his haunches, like he's waiting for something._ _

__“You want something, Doc?” Mal asks, and winces as he moves to lie back on the bed._ _

__Simon stands, about to make his way out. “Just don't make any sudden movements, and it'll be healed in a few days.”_ _

__He smiles, grabs his kit, and makes his way to the ladder. His foot on the first rung when Mal calls out to him. “Inara talk t'you?” His voice is abrasive and catches in his throat._ _

__Simon nods, but doesn't turn around._ _

__“She's right, we've gotta get over it.”_ _

__The Captain's right, of course, and Simon has no reason to argue. There's still a want, a tingling burn at his nearness, but the repression and hurt has dampened it, somewhat, and the candle he holds for Kaylee burns brighter every day._ _

__It takes a moment, to decide what to do, and then Simon drops his bag and makes his way over to the bed. Mal, below him, flinches, but does not try to stop him as he bends down. Simon presses a final kiss to his lips, savouring their warmth and familiar feel. It is not deep and holds no promises of sex or passion; it tastes like goodbye, and for once, there's no bitter sting of guilt._ _

__“It's already over,” Simon tells Mal as he straightens up._ _

__\--_ _

___yúchûn húndàn_ – stupid bastard._ _

___wô hâo_ – I'm fine._ _


End file.
